“If you understand, there will be peace. If you don’t understand, there will be disturbance, tension and anguish. Whenever somebody is in anguish it shows he has not understood the deeper meaning of things.
“And you go on accusing others, that because of them you are in anguish. Nobody is in anguish because of others. You are in anguish because of your nonunderstanding or your misunderstanding.
“A man came to me and said that he was very disturbed because his wife goes on quarreling, tries to dominate him, and the children don’t listen to him. ‘Their mother has become too influential and the children listen to her; they don’t listen to me. I am nobody and I am in much anguish. Do something for me. Through your grace let my wife become a little more understanding.’
“I said, ‘That’s impossible. Through my grace or through anybody’s grace, the other cannot be made more understanding. You can be. And when you ask for the other’s understanding you miss the whole point. Why does the wife look dominating? She looks dominating because you are also struggling for domination. If you are not struggling for domination she will not look dominating. It is a struggle, because you are after the same goal. What is wrong if the children follow the mother? But you would like the children to follow you – hence the struggle.’[…]
“Drop out of it! The others cannot be changed, and you will be unnecessarily wasting your life if you try to change the others. That is their problem. They will suffer if they are not understanding, why should you suffer? Simply understand that everybody is trying to dominate. “I drop out of it, I will not try to dominate.” Your struggle disappears. And a very beautiful thing happens.
“If you don’t try to dominate, the wife starts feeling foolish, and by and by she starts looking silly to herself – because the other is no longer there to fight. When you fight you strengthen the other’s ego, and this is a vicious circle.
“When you don’t fight then the other feels he is fighting alone, in a vacuum: fighting with the wind or fighting with a ghost, but not fighting with anybody. And then you give an opportunity for the other also to see, to understand. Then the wife cannot throw the responsibility on you, she has to carry her own responsibility.”
Abridged from Osho, Hsin Hsin Ming: The Book of Nothing, Talk #2
Osho TImes International/courtesy Osho International Foundation/www.osho.com